Rekindling Happiness, Hopes & Dreams

by Robert Turner

the loss of happiness and what to do about it

Driving one day recently, I saw a message on the back of a truck. It got me thinking and reminded me of an idea that I have been thinking and reading about and discussing with people for a few years now. The message was intended to be inspirational and it almost was. It read “Be the person you thought you would become.” *

Do You Ever Wonder:

Is My Life Passing Me By?
Where Did My Life Go, My Hopes And Dreams?
Is This All There Is?

The idea that the truck message reminded me of is: recapturing the lost joy of childhood. It was less of an inspiration and more of a sad indictment of shattered dreams, a suggestion that the reader does not have the life they had hoped for when they were young.

The message also begs the question – how do I become the person I thought I would become, given that I have so far failed to do so?

A more positive version of the message is: What if you actually became the person you always hoped existed somewhere in you?

The ideas of not having the life you had hoped for, of recapturing the lost joy of childhood, are the themes of this blog.

The Joy of Childhood - Lost Forever?

Many people lose and never recapture that simple, unabashed, spontaneous, fun-loving joy of life they had in their childhood and youth. By their 40’s or 50’s, for many… perhaps most, people those carefree fun years are gone, never to return. Why do we lose the childlike joy of life as we get older?

We might attribute it to the obligations and responsibilities of adult life. This starts in our 30’s and doesn’t stop. Kids, parenthood, marriage not being what we expected or hoped for, mortgages, car loans, insurance payments, work, responsibilities.

It might be the gap between our current life and the expectations, goals, dreams, ambitions and identity that we develop as teens and then adults.

It may be that we have developed desires for things that are not currently in our lives, that seem unavailable.These gaps lead to internal tensions – Stress. Unhappiness. Loss of joy.

Ask Google

Every day many thousands of people ask Google “How can I be happy again?” and “How can I be happy?”

People are searching for happiness, especially happiness that they have felt before but have not been able to recapture. What’s missing is Meaning, Purpose and Fun.

If you have children, you had meaning and purpose for a time when your children were born, especially the first, and you had it again somewhat when grandchildren arrived. But somewhere deep inside is a gnawing emptiness that you can no longer ignore, although you’ve been trying to!

Most people don’t seek answers or life purpose until they become extremely bored or frustrated or, often, until they have a life crisis, typically around money or health, maybe love.

But you don’t need to wait that long! Make it your aim to avoid a life story like this: “Work at a job you hate for 40 years, retire, play golf and die.” Don’t be that person!

Picture This Life Scenario - Did Any of This Happen to You?

You have a nice house, just like you always wanted, a great job, a nice car, perhaps a mate and a family. You’ve ticked all the boxes. You’re doing everything that you thought or were taught would create a great life, everything you’re “meant” to do. But you’re still not feeling all that good, not as good as you hoped you would feel.

You expect that you’ll feel happier with your next promotion or a new job, a bigger, nicer house. You’ll feel better after a weekend off or a long vacation. But so far it isn’t happening. You’re still not feeling good, not as good as you hoped you would feel.

How Did You Get There?

In your teens and early 20’s you were full of energy, optimism and youthful promise. Anything was possible. You dreamed of achieving great things and you had years ahead of you for that to happen. Perhaps you met someone special and become a couple. Together you had an exciting social life, travel, vacations and awesome cars, clothes and other material things.

At this stage, you had no idea what your life purpose might be and that wasn’t in your awareness at that time. You didn’t give that any thought because you were having too much fun and life was fabulous. Your priorities were elsewhere.

Fast forward a few years and you now have a serious job, a mortgage, car payments and perhaps a baby or two. Having a child, creating another life, is one of life’s greatest miracles, and for a time, your children are your focus, your life purpose. But they won’t be dependent on you forever, they’ll develop their own lives. They aren’t here to be your main purpose in life. Instead, you will set them free.

By now you don’t have the same social life now because of kids, school and sport or activity commitments, work commitments, mortgage and car payments, ageing and increasingly dependent parents. Without your youthful distractions of travel, vacations, material things and a busy social life, you slip into a routine that becomes increasingly repetitive, a little dull, eventually boring.

By your 40’s or 50’s, most of your youthful dreams and ambitions haven’t come to pass and the possibilities are shrinking as you’re getting older. Your life is starting to look a little ordinary, just like millions of others. Still, you’re just like everyone else you know so this must be ok, it’s normal.

Work distracts you for 8-10 or more hours a day. You apply for promotions or new jobs, hoping that each next step will bring more satisfaction and less pressure and stress. But it’s the carrot and the stick, you never quite get there. It’s tantalising.

Your kids might have been your purpose for 20 or 30 years, but they have grown up now and they leave home. When that happens, how do you replace that gap you now feel? You have more freedom and leisure time, but did you find new purpose?

Your life, although perhaps punctuated by the excitement of grandchildren arriving, could become comparatively empty and meaningless now, so you seek interests or distractions – restauranting, a boat, golf, country club, cruises, vacations, cars, charitable work. Or maybe a new mate, an affair, a Harley or a Porsche, alcohol, drugs. Or just a humdrum life with a few distractions like vacations.

The Truck of Lost Hope

Back to the message on the truck: “Be the person you thought you would become.”

By now you’ve given up on becoming the person you had always hoped existed somewhere in you. You have settled for less, for a “more realistic view” of life and yourself. HOWEVER – that potential You is still there somewhere, even if somewhat forgotten.

Finding purpose and happiness in your life, rediscovering the joy of life, overcoming the limitations of your past and your identity – this and more is in my new book “Belief Alchemy.” It’s out soon – join the waitlist and we’ll let you know as soon as it’s available.

Your Freedom of Thought

When Einstein created his famous theories of the nature of gravity, time and space, rather than using mathematical deduction or lab experiments, he originated his ideas in a place of infinite possibility, a place that was not bound by the current thinking or beliefs of other people, by the scientific beliefs and theories of the time or by what he had previously thought.

The place of infinite possibility that he used to originate these revolutionary new ideas was his mind. Einstein conducted what he called “thought experiments.” This allowed him the freedom to think freely and expansively.

“Einstein traced his realization of light’s finite speed—the core idea of special relativity—to his teenage daydreams about riding beams of light. General relativity, his monumental theory of gravitation, has its origins in his musings about riding up and down in an elevator. *

Your freedom of thought and of what is possible for you is limited by your sense of yesterday. By yesterday I mean your memories, thoughts and beliefs about your past, and your identity as these act as straitjackets to your expansiveness of thought. Your past is but a collection of poorly curated memories, it’s selective and inaccurate.

Your past doesn’t really exist other than in your mind so it’s up to you to write the story of your past in a way that opens you to possibilities rather than impossibilities.

Your identity is a collection of beliefs about yourself, but these beliefs are a rather haphazard collection that was shaped by well-meaning parents and teachers and by your conclusions and beliefs about your limited life experiences to date. Your sense of identity is a smaller version of you, it is not the person you had always hoped existed somewhere in you. This is true of pretty much all of us, but doesn’t need to be.

You can recapture the courage, joy, expansiveness and freedom of thought you felt as a child when each new day was a miracle to be explored. Back then there was nobody to tell you how to explore a new day. Even your parents were but guides, unable to direct how you viewed the new day, a flower or a rainbow. Focus on delight, excitement, exhilaration and what lights you up.

Below are resources that will help you rediscover the joy of childhood and become the person you had always hoped existed somewhere in you.

*Truck message: Mainfreight New Zealand who have a unique uplifting messge on the back of every truck!

** Scientific American September 1, 2015. ‘Lost in Thought—How Important to Physics Were Einstein’s Imaginings?’ Sabine Hossenfelder.